Grande latte, decaf, whole milk, please?

Non-Fat you say? We'll see about that.

It’s been said, by someone that is more known than me that there are two people you don’t mess with in this world:

One–the guy who works on your car; this is reasonable. Any clever being would know that a mechanic can royally screw you over.

I can see it now–You go to the closest Meineke and ask for a basic tire rotation. Your BMW isn’t running up to par. Easy, right? Well now, this young mechanic tells you it’s going to be about a two hour wait. You’ve places to be. You’ve got a very important life to live. Two hours waiting on your beautiful car are two hours you can never get back. So, in reaction, you hassle the kid a little bit. No way can a basic tire rotation take two hours. The kid gives in under your all powerful arm, and agrees that it will only take about 45 minutes. Satisfied, you patiently pass the time by emailing all your important friends on your scratch-free iPhone. Soon the time has come for you to pay and drive off into the world that licks your perfectly shaped toes. You drop the fee like nothing and add a couple dollar tip just to be generous–charity act that you joke about writing off.

Next, you climb inside your fancy BMW and drive back to your life that you’re convinced has been missing you. You pull onto the Dallas North Tollway toward Plano going fast. You love the feel of your slick car beneath you. It runs oh so smooth like a boat on the water. Then, thwack, just like that same boat on the water your car loses all four tires, and suddenly, you’re skiing across the highway while that young kid is laughing from afar spending his two dollar tip on a pop.

Do not hassle the mechanic.

Wondering how this relates?

Well, the second person you never antagonize is your barista.

Just the other day I had a lady walk into the coffee shop with her young daughter. The woman I can still see clear in my mind. She had the same jaw and mouth as Hillary Swank. I recognize this because I find Hillary Swank’s features to be brutal, and harsh, so unfeminine. This woman was irritated that I could not accept her gift card.

“It’s for this coffee shop. Gah,” she scoffed. “Ridiculous.”

This is really not a big deal, but she made it the end of the world. While throwing a tantrum, her snot-faced daughter looked at me with the same Gaston-like chin and an ugly smear on her face. To further this woman’s anger, I answered her question–“Well can you toast the bagels?” with a polite–“No, Ma’am.”

She was infuriated. “This is just ridiculous! What kind of coffee shop is this?”

No toasted bagel? No gift card?

Holy Hell it’s the end of the world!

To continue her unappreciated attitude, she ranted off her “complex” order of a Grande non-fat extra hot latte. With the simple drink written, I checked her out to hear her daughter gripe about how the scone she was eating (which has the same fat content as a Big Mac) had little flavor. I let myself grin inside. The joys of making customers fat.

Onto the Hillary Swank look alike’s coffee: I walked over to my friend on bar and repeated the “complex” and oh so important drink.

Grande latte, decaf, whole milk, please?

I, too, can royally screw you over.


About Kelly R. Storts

Opinions, ideas, and thoughts make up who most of my identity. These things are fluid. I am constantly changing and growing, and learning who I am. Through writing down experiences with dating, loving, crying, breaking I just might become a better person. I remember listening to stories of love, life, and all the bubbles when I was younger. Those stories made me eager to have stories to tell myself. Hopefully writing the little that I know down I can help someone else find their fluid identity.
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2 Responses to Grande latte, decaf, whole milk, please?

  1. Lauren says:

    You are brutal.

  2. I totally understand. Where I work we can give people discounts and baically give them whatever they want. If they mess with us or be mean we definitely don’t help them. Our “yes we can” policy becomes “hell no we can’t” I hope the rest of your customers weren’t that bad!

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